What It Takes to Keep Your Marriage Healthy

We asked Dr. Oz's wife, Lisa, author of Us: Transforming Ourselves and the Relationships That Matter Most, to weigh in on what it takes to keep a marriage healthy.


Being married offers benefits beyond having a standing Saturday night date, or a regular jogging partner, or someone who will reliably take out the garbage. My husband, Mehmet, often talks about the medical virtues of wedded bliss: It can lower your stress level, reduce your risk of Alzheimer's disease, even improve cancer survival rates. All very well—but the operative word here is bliss. It's been proven that it takes a happy marriage to reap the most from those benefits. And—as I can attest after nearly 25 years of marriage (some a bit bumpy)—that takes work. In my book, I talk about the challenges Mehmet and I have faced (like when he stares at his BlackBerry instead of into my eyes during a conversation) and the strategies we use to stay connected:

Have Real Conversations

When you and your husband first got together, you didn't spend your nights discussing the kids, the bills, or the leaky roof. And while checking off everything on the to-do list is a nice goal, it's not nearly as valuable as staying emotionally in tune with each other. It's not always easy, but make a point of taking ten minutes each day to talk about something more meaningful than cleaning out the garage. If your husband (like mine) has a hard time talking without getting distracted, try this: When I want to have a heart-to-heart with Mehmet, I get him engaged in another more appealing activity, like working out together or taking a walk. Once he's physically occupied, it's easier for him to hear what's on my mind.

Fight Clean

Because dealing with conflict is a large part of any long-term relationship, you need to know how to air your differences productively. Too often an argument devolves into proving you're right—and as I've learned, being right is overrated. One way to tell if you're resolving your disputes in a civilized manner is to record your argument, and then play it back later. Did you fight fair, or did you come off like the Wicked Witch of the West? I once saw a video of a family vacation that captured a fight Mehmet and I were having in the background. I was so horrified by my venomous tone, I quickly erased the tape—but seeing that fight is still having a positive impact on our relationship.

Take Responsibility

If there's something in your marriage you want changed, do something about it yourself. For years I wanted Mehmet to work less and play—especially with me—more. It took a long time to realize that if I wanted to be entertained in life, I needed to find the entertainment myself. After decades of blaming him for my boredom, I decided to make my own fun. I enrolled in continuing education classes, reconnected with friends, even took up kung fu! I still prefer having him around, but I'm no longer putting my life on hold until he's cleared his heart surgeries and TV show tapings from his schedule each day.

Let's face it, as much fun as you may have with your spouse, marriage isn't a 24/7 party. But what makes a healthy union is sharing goals and growing together as a team. Concentrate on the life you want to build together, and you'll find that all the little stuff you think you need—whether it's dates at fancy restaurants or lazy weekends without the kids—seems unimportant.

Source: Lisa Oz, O, The Oprah Magazine

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in 2011 best marriage advice , 2011 relationship advice , couple , dating , healthy relationship , married , oprah

What guys look for in a relationship

1. Men want honest, timely, loving communication.
Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information, a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness.

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.
Men want to be needed by their partners but they want their partners to also have a separate identity of their own. Men want women to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.

3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.
Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready and they do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong and they do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.

4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.
Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in a relationship and own it. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.

5. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.
Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

Source :factsaboutboys

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in 2011 men relationship , 2011 top men wants relationship , couple , dating , healthy relationship , real men

3 Relationship Mistakes You Didn't Know You Were Making

Once I had a client with a bad habit. I made her keep track and she found she was complaining to friends, several times a day. It seems like if we aren't busy putting others down to make ourselves feel better, then we are busy putting ourselves down to supposedly make someone else feel better. Ugh.

Or we are busy trying to win at "misery poker" so others do what we want them to. For example, always having some ailment or predicament that turns the conversation to your needs -- not the other person's -- and puts them in a position of feeling like they need to help or save you.

Or we are busy hiding our real selves for "fear of rejection." For example, not being honest about your sexuality with people you love.

We are such manipulators. None of this works or makes us feel good, but we are just so chicken that it's where we often stop in our relationships.

Here's the problem with each case.

Case #1: You hide your success or fake-complain to make another feel better. This covers up that you are judging them; you see something awry with them; you have some wisdom to impart or some harsh reality to wake them up to and you are too afraid to do it. You justify your fear with the arrogant assumption that they can't handle it. You do the dialogue in your head instead of with them. You become "better than" and supposedly powerless to speak (all at once), while they become a mute pawn of your unspoken judgments.

Then we wonder why we don't feel totally powerful and peaceful. It's because we live in compartments, never unifying our voice and speaking as ourselves, our real selves, even when it's ugly. Especially when we have something true, harsh or ugly to say, we need to say it. When the thoughts see the light of day and the other person gets to respond, only then can the thoughts change or lead to some good.

Case #2: The problem with manipulating others to feel sorry for you and do stuff for you is that it's never enough. Also, you have to be so convincing that you start to believe you have no power and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Plus, because your real purpose in life is to empower yourself, and there is no substitute, you will never be fully satisfied with other people's help anyway.

Case #3: The problem with hiding yourself or something about you in the name of being loved is that you never feel real love anyway, because you aren't being the real you. Sure, someone could reject you when you tell the truth (though they usually don't if you do it with grace), but you fulfill the prophecy of being rejected and alone by not being the real you. Plus, in your arrogance of "knowing" how they will respond, you turn them into mute pawns in that they don't get to choose their response. Again, the dialogue is in your head, not in real life. And then by golly, it seems to you that they have rejected you, when you have rejected them.

Yikes! What is the solution?

Start telling the truth. Today. Immediately. Go back and fix one of the cases in your life where one of these things has occurred. Set the record straight and start a real honest dialogue. Geez, it's exhausting to avoid them any longer.Let me know how it goes. (Share it with me in a comment below.)

Can you tell I have a head full of steam? I do. I am on a warpath for making the truth sexy and getting people to buck up and get real. If you want to feel better, be realer. It works every time.

Source Laurie Gerber

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in 2011 best advice relationship , 2011 top relationship mistakes , couple , healthy living , healthy relationship , relationship , romance