Is This Love or Emotional Dependency?

One of my clients, whose ex-girlfriend recently broke up with him, asked me the following question:

“I think I still love her, but is this love or just emotional dependency? Many times I ask myself if falling in love comes from my ego wounded-self because (for me at least) it feels as if I can’t live without the other person. When I give love from the heart I don't expect anything back, but when I fall in love I think this is a different energy.”

Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall in love from the wounded self – the ego self – you are in love with how the other person loves you. You are handing over to the other person the responsibility for your self-worth and wellbeing, and if he or she does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended to, then you may say you are “in love.” However, it is not so much the person you love, but how he or she loves you and connects with you. When it feels as if you can’t live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The part of you that is ‘in love’ is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill, because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of aliveness, joy, passion and self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another’s love, which is why you can’t live without that person.

When you fall in love from your loving adult self, instead of as a wounded, needy child or adolescent, your need for the relationship is totally different. As a loving adult, you have learned how to fill yourself with love and define your own worth. You have learned how to live a joyful and passionate life. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel alive, lovable and worthy, you already feel alive, worthy and full of love. You experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and you have learned to fill yourself with love from a spiritual source. This fullness overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another loving adult who is also filled with love and joy. Your desire is to share love rather than to get love.

The kind of person you will pick will be very different when a loving adult is choosing than when your wounded self is choosing. The people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level of emotional health. Obviously, the more you have done your inner work to connect with Divine Love and bring that love within to take loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone also does this.

When you pick from your wounded self, you will pick someone whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you will also fill up him or her. Two people who each want to get love, rather than share love, will eventually find themselves very disappointed with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved. When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own feelings and self-worth, and are blaming the other for their resulting unhappiness.

If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can’t live without that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person. Your responsibility is to become the alive, passionate, joyful and loving person to yourself that you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be ‘in love’ rather than ‘in need.’ You will be able to love another person for who he or she is rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it and feel filled in the giving.

Source Dr. Margaret Paul

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Posted in emotional dependency , Inner Bonding , love , love advice , personal growth , relationship advice , relationships , self improvement , spiritual growth

3 Easy Ways To Attract Love Like A Magnet

If you are still single and yearning for that someone special to come into your life, to share your life, and to share all the laughter and joy of being together, there is something you could do to attract your true love like a magnet!

1. You must believe you are able to attract true love.

This is important! In order to attract your true love, not just any type of lovers, to come into your life, you have to believe you are able to attract the right person into your life. True love comes to you not because of chance. Instead, it comes to you because of who you are. It comes ‘through’ you, it does not come to you. You attract the people in your life because of who you are. If you are someone who is always cheery, generous, kind, and hardworking, then it is very likely you will attract people who have one or more of your positive attributes. Whoever you attract into your lives is a reflection of who you are at that moment. Thus if you are someone who is always doubtful of your own ability and capability to meet the right person, then it is very likely you will attract the wrong person into your life!

2. Love others who come into your life at this moment.

Being loving to others is perfect love, not just wanting love. Open up your heart and give your love to others as well while you are waiting for your someone special to enter your life. When you open up and give more love, more love will return and be given you too. This is the law of give and receive. When you go outside and socialize, do not go with the intention of only wanting to find love, or to find your Mr/Mrs Right. Instead, take an interest in all those that you encounter, be aware of their welfare and needs as well. If you start to take an interest in other people’s welfare and needs instead of only your own, more people will be attracted to you. So, detach yourself from the feeling that you want to find that someone special. The right person will definitely come to you one day and be attracted to you because of who you are. He or she might must be around in a corner thinking : “Hey, I want to get to know this person who has so much magnetism and optimism. How can I approach him/her?”

3. Expect less from other people and give more instead.

As you give more and more love to others, be careful not to become too much focused on your own wants and needs. In wanting or expecting to experience the love we want, we suffer. We crave, and we cling to what we do not have and we even refuse to let go what we have clung to. Your giving should not come with any conditions. Instead, the love you give should want less and less. As your love wants less and less, ironically you will find more love coming your way, even without you asking for it.

Give true love, so that it opens up and embrace the world. Very soon, you will find that someone special entering your life. It is not by chance that this person has entered your life, but you have cultivated the ‘seeds’ to bring him/her to you, not just any type of person, but the right and true one for you. And after he/she has entered your life, continue to cultivate even more ‘seeds’ of love for everyone around you, and you will find that you can easily create the ‘magical’ relationship that you desire effortlessly.

Source healthyandbeloved

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Posted in attract love , love , love magnet , relationship tips , true love

When love gets a second chance

Last week I revealed how heartache does not discriminate among races, cultures or backgrounds and how no one is immune to the ill effects of a broken heart. By the same token, a second chance, when either earned or given, can renew your spirits and make even the most pessimistic person believe in love. Eileen Rivera illustrated this beautifully in her article about Chico and Rita.

So what do you do (and not do) when you get a second chance? How do you go about rebuilding trust in a relationship? Is it possible to forgive someone that hurt you and move on to a brighter future? The answer to this question is a resounding “yes” if you’re willing to put in the work.

When given a second chance at love, you should embrace it, cherish it and remember why you’re in this situation in the first place. It’s true that it takes “two to tango”, but if you’re responsible for putting the relationship on rocky ground, own up to it and accept complete responsibility. There’s nothing worse than an insincere apology; your partner will see through your actions, if you’re truly sorry. Also, don’t fall victim to falling into old patterns; talk to your partner about what went wrong and what you’re going to do to fix it. Give them specific steps you plan to take to improve the relationship whether it’s weekly counseling, attending church or changing a bad habit.

Rebuilding trust is a slow and sometimes difficult process, but both people in the relationship have to be willing to let go of the past. Concentrate on the present and show your appreciation for your partner so that your future can be filled with happiness. Remember the feelings you had when you first met your partner, all the special things you did for him/her (and vice versa), the surprises, the trips together – by remembering when you were most happy in the relationship you can recapture your passion. Above all else, however, be completely honest. The truth shall set you free.

The old adage, “to err is human, to forgive divine,” must be your mantra in moving forward with a second chance at love. I often think about parents who have had to forgive someone who wronged their child – or even worse – caused their death. If these parents can forgive these atrocities, then working through a tough spot in a relationship is possible. Learn from your mistakes and practice forgiveness by forgiving others and yourself.

Finally, both parties in the relationship have to move past difficulties with the same goal – a renewed relationship is made stronger (not weaker) by getting over hurdles together. If you’re continually looking in the past or idealizing the days of ol’, you will never completely mend the relationship. So, keep your eye on the prize of a happy future and value the person you love everyday with wild abandonment!

Source Brian Cockman

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Posted in couple , forgiveness , love , lovers , relationship , second chance

Why you shouldn't marry someone you've known less than a year

Last month, Kim Kardashian got engaged to her boyfriend, Kris Humphries. They'll supposedly wed in August, which is so fast it could make your head spin (while you're simultaneously contemplating whether or not she's possibly preggers). But the minuscule engagement time isn't what gets me. It's more the fact that these two barely know one another. They were dating for only six months before Kris popped the Q by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in rose petals (gag).

We all know Kim is in some kind of big damn rush to be a Mrs. (WHY, I don't know, given how "successful" other reality stars' marriages have been!) I just can't help but think that it's semi-delusional to tie the knot with someone you've known less than a year. Hey, people do it all the time. Even sis Khloe got hitched to hubs Lamar Odom just one month after they started dating. (Talk about delusional!)

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All I know is this: My boyfriend and I went on vacation together in Mexico (for fun) and Canada (for my work) when we had only been dating three months. That at the time seemed like a big deal. At six months in, I think he was still refraining from farting in front of me. (Oh, those were the days!!!) At nine months was when we said "I love you," and we didn't officially move in together until we had been together a year and three months.

The case for living together before you get married is a whole different argument in itself, but let's just say I learned a lot more about my boyfriend once we shared a roof, moved together, split our rent, and learned to navigate one another's quirks and habits. 4.5 years later, I can finish his sentences and know his habits pretty well, and I'll admit I'm still learning about him. But I'm pretty sure I know what a life together would look like. At least I figure I have a far better idea now than I did six months in! Even a year or two in.

A relationship can evolve (or devolve) a lot over the course of a year ... two years ... three years. In fact, a recent study even found that three years in, people stop going out of their way to compliment their partners. We all know sex isn't the same after a year, and the study shows that's especially true after three. Not that you have to wait that long to make sure you want to get married, but it couldn't hurt to stay together a little longer to get a taste for what things will be like when they're not shiny and new.

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And of course we have to grow and evolve with one another anyway, but marrying someone before you get to know them just seems like it would make that growing and evolving part even more difficult. You gotta have a solid foundation.

I'm sure there are probably some "love at first sight/first six month" fairy tales that result in a long and happy marriage. And yay for those few, brave souls! But for the rest of us -- I think we'd be crazy to follow in Kim Kardashian's rushed footsteps.

What do you consider the right amount of time to be with someone before getting married?

Source Maressa Brown
Image via CNDY/Flickr

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Posted in commitment , dating , gay and lesbian marriage , kardashians , love , marriage , weddings